Someday Growing Up Will Come Easier
July 30, 1984, later
Deep inside are woman’s hills about to come up
To see the sky
To see the sun and moon
And the tiny stars in the black of a man’s hand
Sometimes in the morning
I’ll look across myself
See hills and valleys forming
Think of rivers underground.
I am blooming
Inside I am dry
If only I could understand
The reason for my crying
If only I could stop this fear
Of dreaming that I’m dying.
I LOVE YOU, JAMES!
July 30, 1984
Maddy brought a bunch of clothes with her, and she had me try all of them on in front of the mirror. She could tell I was feeling depressed about something … I guess. Some of her clothes are very beautiful. I liked the way they made me feel. Especially the short skirt and the high heels with this little fluffy white sweater.
Maddy said I looked like Audrey Horne. She’s the daughter of the man, Benjamin Horne, that my father works for. Benjamin is very very very rich. Audrey is a pretty girl but she’s quiet and sometimes mean. Her father doesn’t pay much attention to her, and that’s probably why she acts that way. He has been very attentive to me, however, all of my life. Each time there is a party or a get-together at the Great Northern, Benjamin puts me on his lap or knee and sings to me softly in my ear. Sometimes I feel very bad for Audrey, because when she sees him singing to me, it must make her sad because she often runs from the room and doesn’t come back until her mother makes her. Other times I kind of feel good when she runs off. Like I am the center of attention, and that I am more special to him than his own daughter. I know that isn’t nice to say, but I’m just being honest.
To be very honest, I think I like the way I looked in Maddy’s clothes too. Something stirred inside me like a bubble. The way you feel on a carousel when you’re not used to the up and down of it yet. I’ll bet if I dressed this way all the time, things would be very different.
Maddy and I took a walk later on, but of course, in our jeans and T-shirts. Twin Peaks doesn’t see many high heels and short skirts without banners all around announcing a dance or festival. We walked to Easter Park and sat in the gazebo for a while. Maddy said that her life at home is fine, “except for the sometimes unbelievable nosiness of my parents.” I made sure to quote her exactly there because I thought it was so well put. She said that there are a lot of things in life, she thinks, that don’t seem right at first, and then you settle into them.
Maybe that’s how I should start thinking. Maybe I should be a better person and not think so much all the time about what is happening to me. I hope someday soon I’ll be good enough at this to rid myself of all the things that trouble me so. Things I still cannot even describe other than in bits and pieces. If I am a better person, and if I try harder every day, perhaps all of this will work out.