August 7, 1984
I spent the afternoon with Troy today, cleaning him, and brushing and feeding him. I was fascinated by how much he seems to understand how I’m feeling. He nuzzled up against me for a long time while I brushed his mane and head, and when I sat down in the comer of his stall, he lowered his head, and I let him breathe all across my neck and face. I wonder if people fall deeply in love with horses the way I love mine, or if I am wrong to be thinking or feeling any of these things.
I wish Donna were here. I really wish Maddy were here. I’m going to call Donna and see if she can come over for a sleepover or something. Maybe I could go there. That might even be better. Sometimes my bedroom is the best place in the world, and other times it is like a place that closes in and suffocates me.
I wonder if it’s like that when you die … suffocating. Or if it’s like they say it is when you’re in church. That you float up and up until Jesus sees you and takes your hand. I’m not sure I want to be near Jesus when I die. I might make a mistake, even just a small one, and upset him. I don’t know enough about him to know what might make him mad. Sure, the Bible says he’s forgiving and has died for my sins and loves everyone no matter their faults … but people say I am the perfect daughter, the happiest girl in the world, and one without any troubles. And that is not true at all. So how will I know if Jesus is really like me? Scared and bad sometimes even though most people might not know how and when? I’ll probably be a gift to Satan if I am not careful. Sometimes when I have to see Bob, I think I am with Satan anyway, and that I’ll never make it out of the woods in time to be Laura, good and true and pure, ever again.
Sometimes I think that life would be so much easier if we didn’t have to think about being boys or girls or men or women or old or young, fat or thin … if we could all just be certain we were the same. We might be bored, but the danger of life and of living would be gone…
I’ll be back after I call Donna.
Donna said she wishes we could do something together tonight, but her family is having “family night” tonight. I guess it’s just me and you, Diary. Maybe we can go out to the woods soon and smoke one of the cigarettes Maddy left for me. There are four of them, and I hid them carefully in the bedpost. That’s where I hide notes from school I don’t want Mom to find when she’s in here cleaning/snooping - you know, mom stuff. I love her, but she doesn’t always understand what I try to tell her. She’d probably have a heart attack if she knew all of the things that go on in my head. Anyway, the knob comes off and there is a hole there. Dad would call it a “cavity.” It is about four inches deep and it is the perfect hiding place. You can’t even tell the knob comes off as long as there is a purse strap or sweater over the post.
So maybe we can go out, just you and 1, with a flashlight and a cigarette and just talk to each other. I know you, more than even Donna, can keep a secret. I could never tell Mom about the sexy stuff I think about. I’m afraid that if I let it come out of my mouth that God will hear, or that someone will know how bad I am, and they’ll say… Nobody else ever thinks things like that!
I’ll bet they don’t. I’ll bet I’ll never get the man I want, because anytime we try to kiss or fool around, he’ll think I’m a crazy person who is sick and weird. I hope I’m not. I would be so awfully sad if that were true. How could I stop thinking the way that I do? I can’t stop my mind from wanting to think things like that. The thoughts that make my body warm, and my chest go up and down, filling with air and letting go, the way they do in books and movies, but still different, because they never talk about the fantasies I have.
I’m going to go downstairs for dinner now. I wish I could fit you in the bedpost too. For now I will tape you to the wall behind my bulletin board. I hope you won’t fall!
More later, Laura
somewhere in the woods
I haven’t written for a long time, and for that I am truly sorry. Maddy left three days ago, and I feel very frightened. inside about something I do not understand.
One good thing happened. In the middle of the night last night, I had the most wonderful sensation inside me. Like something warm in my chest, and warm between my legs. My whole body went inside out, it seemed, and I felt like I could just float away. I think I had one of those orgasms in my sleep. It’s so awful and so embarrassing to write, but kind of nice at the same time.
Right after it, I had this fantasy that a boy came into my room and put his hand across my nightgown and touched me softly. He whispered nice, gentle things, and then said I had to lie very still or he would leave. Then he pulled me to the end of the bed by my feet, and when my knees were bent over the end of my mattress, he made me close my eyes and I felt him open me up, bigger and bigger, and I had to look to see what was happening, and when I did, he was gone. But I looked at my stomach and I was pregnant. He was inside me, but small like a baby. I wish it hadn’t ended like that. I don’t know why my brain did that. I liked it better when he was pulling me down gently and taking soft control.
Cooper’s dream with Laura Palmer and The Man From Another Place